The Emasculation of Women

One of my core intentions for going to burning man was to understand myself. I also wanted to explore the fear that arises for me when men and sexual energy are involved. I am a tantrika. It feels so good to type this out. I have done a lot of personal work to find out who I am as a sexual person. All of this work was done in the company of other women and involved all delicious types of self pleasuring. So imagine my surprise when I went to a co-ed BDSM and tantric weekend only to discover that I felt ungrounded and somewhat afraid because men were in the room and sexual energy was the direct theme of the weekend. Not the side talk or the thing that was in the room while we were focused on something else. Nope, it was the entree and perhaps the side meal and the desert too. 

 When I realized that this was an issue for me, I decided to explore it further. Burning man (or ISTA) seemed like the place for this exploration. As a tantrika (ah!, the feeling never gets old), I asked my fellow tantrikas to recommend a camp for me and one of them mentioned a tantric based camp thhat happens to fit my needs perfectly. It is tantric focused, many of my fellow tantrikas going to burning man would be camping there, a tantrika I trained with, is in the camp leadership and one of my tantric teachers gives a workshop at that camp yearly. So I signed up

  Back to my purpose of going to burning man- to explore the fear that comes up for me when I am in the presence of men and sexual energy combo. This happens to be the center piece of this story. As in any good tantric and sex positive environment, this camp had a mandatory consent training that everyone had to attend. I attended one of them, I imagine everyone else did ….. because it was mandatory

Now the exploration-

Guy 1: East coaster, in the alternative relationship scene. I met him while I was in line for lunch. I immediately felt comfortable chatting with him. We made jokes, we shared lunch. We also chatted and he told me all about his family and alternative relationship experience past and present. I was curious and we were both openly sharing and listening. It was great. Towards the end of lunch, he invited me to a couples tantric workshop that was scheduled for later that day. I was hesitant because men and sexual energy for me = fear body. But also, that’s what I came here to explore. So I told him I will think about it and let him know. He told me when he needed me to let him know by…awesome. I felt in my agency and I did not feel pressured or rushed. That felt safe for me. After he left, I thought about it. I felt into my fear and hesitation. Behind my fear was the worry that I may not fully participate in the workshop. He might expect me to be active, and then he would be disappointed. I also wasn’t feeling a deep desire for him. He seemed like a nice interesting guy but I wasn’t that turned on around him. But, I wanted to explore this issue. The tantric couples workshop seemed like the perfect environment. There were lots of people, meaning lots of witnesses. It was a structured activity so I just had to listen to the workshop leader. I could either choose to do what was demonstrated or opt out, but I didn’t have to invent the wheel. I decided I was a yes. I went to his tent area, he was in front of it doing camping chores. I told him I would attend but also shared that I may not be fully participating because I have some fears around it. We didn’t have a deep discussion about my fears, I think he wanted to but it felt too personal to share with a relative stranger. But he did listen. And he told me I only had to participate as much as I wanted to and he’d be ok either way. That felt great. So we went to the workshop together. During the workshop, we sat as couples together. He asked before he came close, he seemed to be listening with his body and mind for my No’s and honoring them. He wanted to kiss on the mouth and he asked first, I was a No. He did not kiss me. I ended up participating more fully with the workshop and with him than I thought I would. It was honestly great to have someone as open, honest and consensual as a partner in this exploration. In my sexual experience with him, I found that within myself, I was scared, sort of like the kind of fear I felt when I was about to sky dive or go on a roller coaster. 2 reasons why I didn’t feel comfortable mouth kissing:

1. I didn’t know his STI status. That wasn’t part of our conversation 
2. It felt too much for my fight/flight state to handle. I wanted to deal with one upheaval at a time

After the workshop, we de-briefed by sharing our experiences of what had just happened. We shared what we loved and what we wanted more of. We also shared what didn’t work for us. For me, I had no complaints. For him, he said mouth kissing is very important to him during sexual intimacy and he was curious (in a vulnerable way) about why I was a No to it. I let him know about reason number 2. Before I left he said he would like to have more similar experiences with me and I said I’d let him know or find him if I wanted to. That’s encounter number one. What I loved about it was that it was consensual, it was open and honest; I could feel his heart and the openness, vulnerability and sharing seemed to be going both ways.

Guy 2 and Guy 3 are friends: Let’s start with Guy 2. Guy 2 and I had a few conversations in the common area during lunch and dinner (a very common occurrence in this communal camping experience). First time I met him, he was with another camper- their camp names were complimentary, like Tom and Jerry. Anyway, Guy 2 (we’ll call him Tom) told me that I am really cool and he was always seeking me out and very complimentary of me. Usually, that signals to me that a guy is hitting on me but in this environment, it didn’t have the same meaning because we all sought out people and chatted with them in this communal space. Also he seemed benign but definitely not as connected to his heart as Guy 1 and not as open. Not as open in that during our chats, he didn’t share much about his personal life and when he came close to sharing; (like we were talking about how long he’d known his friend Jerry, he shared that they’d camped 10 years ago, Tom’s family with Jerry’s family, and I felt him clamping up as if he was uncomfortable with disclosing much about his personal life). In retrospect, that is something I consider a red flag because it sets up a power dynamic in which I lose touch of a good portion of my agency. None of this necessarily needs to be intentional. I don’t know if his unwillingness to share much about his personal life was intentional or merely a reflection of how comfortable he felt going there with me. Either way, it didn’t matter to me in the context of our connection. We were friendly. That’s the vibe I felt in our relating and tbh, that’s what I wanted based on my level of lack of sexual attraction to him. Friendly, not sexual. We hung out several times during the week including once along with Guy 3 (to be discussed in detail later). The context of this outing was that I ran into Guy 3 when I was preparing to go into the playa alone on an adventure. I stopped to say hi and he told me he and some friends were going to be under the influence and then exploring the playa. I knew I’d go further and see more with company so I decided to join him and his friends. His friends ended up being Tom (Guy 2) and Jerry and Jerry’s girlfriend. We were all under the influence. I had had way less to drink so I was the most sober. Guy 2 (and Guy 3) told me they get extra touchy with people when they are under the influence. I told them that was ok with me and that I would let them know if I was a No to being touched. I noticed Guy 2 and 3 seemed to want me a little less sober but it meant nothing to me because I too wanted to be a little more under the influence as well. We had a great night. We explored the playa, we went to deep playa, we stayed out later than I would have stayed if I was alone. Guy 2 and Guy 3 and I called ourselves the singletons. We all tried to stay together because it’s so easy to get lost in the playa at night. Guy 2 did touch my shoulders a few times but he never tried to touch me sexually. Later Guy 2 and I wanted to head back to camp but the others wanted to stay partying so we left together. We rode our bikes back to camp. Guy 2 told me that I was really cool and he’d love to exchange emails and stay in touch after burning man. I asked him what was his intention with staying in touch, and he said just to stay in contact as friends. I thought, yes I am open to staying in touch as friends so I was a yes to staying in contact. We went on to our respective tents after that. That was the first night I went out with Guy 2. The second night I went out with Guy 2, I wanted to have a less sober experience. We planned to be under the influence and go out to playa. I asked a tantrika friend to join us. Guy 2 wanted to have Guy 3 join us. So we both tried to find Guy 3 but he was no where to be found. The 3 of us, myself, Guy 2 and my tantrika friend set off on our bikes to the playa. I was more under the influence this time and Guy 2 was more sober. It seemed like he was having the least fun out of the 3 of us. The agreement we had on our night out was similar to the one we’d had the last time we went out as a group. We all had a say in where we’d go and if anyone wasn’t feeling a particular activity, they’d speak up and we will leave after 5 minutes. My tantrika friend and I seemed to be having the time of our lives and Guy 2 seemed to be more along for the ride. At some point in the night, Guy 2 and I were alone while my tantrika friend went off to check out an art car. Guy 2 observed that I was more deeply under the influence and so I would likely enjoy a neck massage. I was a yes and so he started massaging my neck but I could sense that the intention was to start getting sexual and I could sense that Guy 2 believed that would be okay either way me because I was under the influence. That was not what we learned at the mandatory consent workshop we all had to attend. What Guy 2 seemed to be wanting to do felt predatory because we had not had any sexual touch before then and it seemed he thought i would be a yes expressly because I was less sober. I told him to keep the neck massage PG. He stopped the neck massage shortly after. I remember thinking it’s weird if his whole thing had been to sleep with me and there I was thinking we were just 2 human platonic friends who enjoyed each other’s company. Guy 2 seemed even less into the adventure after that. Later that night, he made a connection with a woman he met at one of our playa stops and asked if she could join our trio. At first I was fine with it but then I started feeling like decision making was still by the three of us individually except that Guy 2 and his new lady friend were making decisions as a unit. That felt less egalitarian and I was a F No to it. So I hung out a little longer then I left Guy 2, his new lady friend and my tantrika friend at a party and headed back to camp alone. In retrospect, I feel that Guy 2 had the intention of being sexual with me but never mentioned it until I was under the influence then he tried to get a yes from me. I realized all along his compliments were towards this goal of being sexual with me. It felt out of integrity and deceptive and changed the way I saw the entirety of my interactions with him. I felt dehumanized like there was a game I was not aware that I was a pun in and he and Guy 3 were aware of this game they were playing. It just feels sh*tty. I know he wouldn’t treat a woman he respected (like his mom, sister, daughter or real friend that way). I ran into Guy 2 again the next morning. I was leaving that day so we said our good byes. He looked really uncomfortable this time and tripped twice while talking to me. I felt naive. Like how could I not have known that this person was not someone of integrity. How could I have been that naive to think that he only wanted to be friends? Were his earlier compliments merely to butter me up so that I am more receptive to a sexual encounter with him?

 Guy 3- friend of Guy 2. I met Guy 3 also at camp. After day 1 or 2, I was needing some space holding. So I went out to the common area and ran into Guy 3. We got to chatting and I asked if he was open to holding space for me in a structured space holding spiritual practice so I could digest some stuff that was coming up for me. He was a yes so we planned to meet at the tent that was set up for spiritual practices (I know. This camp is so luxurious in the best ways. We had a tent-no a yurt- set up in the middle of the desert, just for spiritual practices). I met Guy 3 in the yurt. We sat down, monk style, facing each other but with a little distance between us (so not in yab yum) and I explained the space holding practice to him, something I learned from Mama Gena of the School of womanly arts and a practice I do on most days with someone from my tantric sisterhood. Guy 3 opted to hold space first for me and then after I am done, I hold space for him. We started the structured practice but he wasn’t quite adhering to the practice, and in fact went into teaching and fixing mode, which imo, is what you are not supposed to do in a space holding practice. To his credit, I didn’t redirect him so he may have been unaware. It felt like too much energy to redirect him so I let him try to fix and teach and took the benefit of having a space to digest stuff. It’s interesting to me now looking back at it that when it came to his turn he said he didn’t need space holding. At the time it felt to me like he was not open to being that vulnerable but also I felt a power dynamic there. Like he wanted to be the person holding space but not the person being held. Another way of putting it is, he wasn’t comfortable airing his inner laundry- dirty or clean. Again a red flag for me because it sets up a dynamic that does not foster my sense of agency. I should also tell you, dear reader, that I am into BDSM. And in my BDSM practices, one of the most effective ways of setting up a dominant vs submissive power dynamic is for the dominant person to stay opaque while the other is transparent. It’s not a bad thing but it’s something that requires consciousness/awareness especially on the part of the person being transparent. It’s like going to a swimming pool with a bikini on and the other is in a full business suit, staying out of the water and watching you swim. That’s how it feels in my body. It didn’t matter to me at the time because the way I saw it, Guy 3 was being generous in holding space for me and I have no requirement that he shares with me his inner world if he doesn’t want to. But that for me was a F No to doing this practice with him again. I was grateful to have him hold space for me. That was one of my initial meetings with Guy 3. Then I ran into him briefly and exchanged greetings a few times. On a separate occasion, a tantrika friend (same one that went out as a trio with Guy 2 and myself), invited me to go out with her to explore playa and Guy 3 happened to be exploring with her so all 3 of us went out together on a friendly adventure. Now back to the night of my outing with Guy 2 (Tom), his friend Jerry, Jerry’s girlfriend, and Guy 3. We were all under the influence but Guy 2 and 3 were way less sober than I was. Guy 3 had also told me he gets touchy when he is under the influence (now in retrospect I wonder if Guy 2 and Guy 3 use this line to set up a situation where they go sexual with women in the guise of being “more touchy” when they are under the influence). Anyway, on this playa adventure, Guy 3 tried times to create some intimacy between us that felt fake and forced. Like he would come really close to me or start laughing really hard at something that wasn’t that funny but then fall into me while laughing. I felt like I was trying to keep a distance from him so that my personal space was not invaded. But yeah, that was the extent of my night with Guy 3 in a nutshell. Him being touchy and me keeping my distance. Wanting to be friendly but not intimate or sexual with him. The morning of my departure (right after my night out with Guy 2 and my tantrika friend), I ran into Guy 3 while trying to procure breakfast. We talked about what we did the night before and I told him about my night out with Guy 2 and my tantrika friend and how we were looking for him so that he could join us. I also added that this time I was under the influence and just as influenced as I wanted to be unlike the night we went out and I was very sober. I guess that meant something to him because he became quite friendly and definitely more intimate with me. First I was trying to make breakfast and he offered to make it for me along with his and also wash the utensils. I thought that was very generous and thanked him but then he grabbed my butt. I moved away but felt cheap and violated. It was af if communicating that I went out with Guy 2 and I was under the influence, meant that I consented to be treated in that sexual, intimate and objectified way. I still regret that I didn’t say “That’s not okay” or some other way of boundary setting. I just felt thrown off because he was at once being generous to make me breakfast but also at the same breath, violating my sexual boundaries by grabbing my butt. I felt frozen at the time and later whenever I think of it I feel anger. Anger relating to having my boundaries violated. To being treated like a thing. It so feels like there is a conversation about predatory behavior towards women that he and Guy 2 have engaged in and I am not the friend I thought I was but a pun in this predatory game. In retrospect I wonder if Guy 2 wanted Guy 3 on the adventure with us because it gave him a wing man effect in trying to get sexual with me. Again I want to ask, is that the same hand that you hug your mom with? Something about this behavior makes me wonder if they would treat their loved female friends and family this way or be okay with another guy treating their loved female friends and family in this way. 

  It always comes back to consent. What does consent mean in a culture where sexual relations and sexual activity is very often fallen into and not spoken of before hand? A culture where not speaking is actually the way to do sexual connection? The consent workshop we had was centered around what is a yes?, what is a No?; a maybe is a No and an equivocating yes is a No. The only yes is a fuck yes. We also talked about the fact that you can’t give consent when you are under the influence but I get the idea that men like Guy 2 and Guy 3 (and tbh, most men and women) never have a consent conversation before most sexual contact and activity. It’s more like a slow progression of body closeness, laughingly getting handsy, then onto massages or butt grabs and then to sexual touch/intercourse. In consent education, is there need for an explicit conversation about what the process of obtaining a Yes is? I feel there is. I am a big one for not criticizing someone for doing the wrong thing when you didn’t let them know what the right thing to do is and also that telling someone what NOT TO DO isn’t the same thing or even nearly as effective as telling them what TO DO. I love conscious and sex positive spaces because they see these conversations as necessary and normal. And now, my next step, as the tantrika that I am and a full member of this burning man camp, is to modify the consent workshop to include how to obtain consent. I love the RBDSM acronym that I heard is taught at ISTA and I learned from a guy in my BDSM space. I know it is used a lot in the conscious relationship environments as well. RBDSM stands for: 

Relationship: your current relationships and any agreements you have with any partners

Boundaries: clearly state any physical or behavioral acts that are off limits for you 

Desires: Express what you are looking for and what you would like to experience during the encounter you are about to have

Sexual health: Be transparent about your sexual health including any STI testing date/results, any STIs you have and contraception use

Meaning: what would this encounter mean to you? A casual encounter, the start of something serious or something in between? 

There is a last part that I don’t think is a part of the acronym but is important to add which is Aftercare: what do you need after the encounter? It can be alone time, it can be a cuddle, it can be to just say Hi if you run into each other next time. And this can end up being something to be negotiated as my need for something doesn’t mean another has the desire or capability or capacity to provide that to me. If we can’t come to an agreement on our aftercare needs then it may mean that we call off the encounter all together

 As for Guy 2 and 3, I do believe they need to be talked to via a more comprehensive consent workshop about the process of obtaining consent. If they violate it again, they need to be banned from the camp. I haven’t talked to them about any of this beyond what I narrated above and this is where my personal growth edge is, learning to communicate with people directly during or after an encounter where I believe consent was violated. To let them know what actions violated my consent and how to show up next time. My sense is that if I approached them, they will get defensive and deny any wrong doing. I partly get it and I am not in the business of throwing out people who misbehave but I am in the business of better education and if misbehavior happens again, swift removal from conscious, sex positive spaces. Looking at my encounter with Guy 1, I am proud of myself (and him) for the way we navigated the sexual encounter we had- with an open vulnerable and listening heart. It’s not always easy, it certainly was edgy for me but I wouldn’t want my sexual encounters any other way.