The Emasculation of Women

I left the burner express bus and carried my luggages- 1 heavy suitcase, 1 heavy military duffel bag, a large Coleman tent in its carry on bag and my carry on bag with a water bottle.

Empty landscape, dusty as F. I had come early, on the Saturday afternoon before burning man week, not for build week but no worries, most camps hadn’t built yet. I know my camp had. Dragging my luggage through the dust, the first guy I asked for directions offered to carry my bags. Turns out he flew all the way from Belgium to attend… I believe this was his first burning man experience although he’d had many local burns. We were chatting while walking. Then we ran across someone who had a luggage cart. Turns out my luggage helper had loaned it to her. We hefted my luggage on the cart and the rest of the walk went a little more smoothly. Burning man spirit right there: openness and generosity, just like that

  As soon as I got to camp, a friendly lady welcomed me in. Then sent me to Ben, the tent setup person. Ben looked at me and said, go get something to eat, wind down and then we’ll work on your tent. Yes- food, rest…home

  Middle of the desert. It’s hot and F-ing dusty. I walk to the kitchen and there are all kinds of snacks. I grabbed a few granola and nut bars plus water. Oh! And I grabbed dried mango. The only thing missing was ice, or maybe even just cold water. But that’s ok, everything in this desert feels like a miracle…. Food that I didn’t procure myself feels like a miracle. A tent with a sofa and chairs- what? In the middle of no where. It feels like downright luxury. I sat in the common area and had a soulful chat with a tantric guy, let’s call him Lord. That chat with Lord turned out to be common place at burning man…. No fluff, just raw open honest connection. I shared with him what brought me here…I want to understand why being in the presence of men, combined with sexual energy on the table, makes me feel unsettled, scared, unable to stay grounded. He shared about one of his workshop me coming up in the week regarding partnered touch…. Connecting to oneself, then connecting to a partner, while staying connected to oneself. Then bringing presence, to self and the other. Then adding touch to that mix. Graduated consensual touch with full presence. Yummy! I definitely want to attend. Just as Lord and I were finishing our chat, Bear shows up. Bear is another member of our camp. They are a non-binary and male presenting person. Bear looks me in the eye and tells me something, I don’t remember what, I just remember feeling very flustered, unable to look away and completely unable to engage in conversation. Lord was still in my vicinity and I said to him, without looking away from Bear; this is what I was talking about. This is what I came here to explore and understand. Bear looked away and asked if I needed something to reground myself. I looked away as well and felt myself reconnecting to self. Oh ok, now I can answer your question. But that was intense. Yes it was. The men plus sexual energy mix that gets me ungrounded, scared and flustered. With Bear, what I felt was, I can’t hide and I want to. Their gaze seemed to penetrate me. Interesting. It wasn’t sexual attraction, it wasn’t even attraction (not that they aren’t good looking) it was the feeling that they could see through me and through all my defenses. Yes, that was intense. Another staple of burning man..the open desert, no trees, minimal shelter, just you and a few others against the elements; it tends to melt away masks. Perhaps that’s why the encounter with Bear affected me that much. 

 But the hugs, omg, the hugs. There was always the “Can I hug you?” Yes of course. And then a full bodied, full frontal hug, that usually lasted anywhere from 2-6 minutes (rough estimate). I wouldn’t be surprised if I clocked one of them at close to 10 minutes. Ah!  I feel a deep exhale just thinking about it right now. I can tell you, I am just over a week out from burning man and that’s what I miss the most.

  I grew up in a culture and family that is very heady. Our hugs are merely the 2 second partial body contact that I look forward to ending as quickly as possible. I say our hugs but it could just be my perspective of it. It could just be “my hug”. We don’t talk about sex or show bodily affection. The only talk of sex I heard growing up was the parish priest preaching about what women should avoid wearing in order not to tempt the men in church. Or talk about what makes a girl good (sexual naivety, also lack of sexual awareness or desire). Headlines has this quality of hyper vigilance associated with it. You can’t lose yourself or any amount of control when you are in your head. You can’t be observed, you are always the observer. 

  So back to burning man hugs. Full frontal body contact, where I first shift my body until I get to a comfortable stance and our bodies blend together. Then I notice I am holding my breath so I let out a big exhale. Then somehow, my breath synchronizes with his and I am comfortable and settled in. Then it goes on forever.

   Sometimes I haven’t showered, sometimes (many a times) the other hasn’t showered. It’s the desert, you are lucky if you have regular drinking water so shower water is another luxury. At our camp, we did have regular warm drinking water and we had a shower thing that is a bag half full of water, hoisted up. I am not sure who came up with it but I think it’s genius. Most campers don’t shower daily. I did….almost every day. Our camp was luxurious in that way. 

  So back to the hug. I wanna say, the body odor doesn’t bother me because the hug feels so good. It’s not sexual, it’s just homey. It feels like real human connection, like I am cared for, like I matter. 

  Ah! The burning man hugs.

  For sure, that’s what I miss the most. 

  For a few days after my return my young son and I shared burning man hugs (he wanted to start hugging like that after I told him about them) but after a while we went back to our regular hugs. I think withdrawal from human bodily contact is a good reason for my recent hyper irritability. Hugs are one of those things I don’t think I really need but then I start getting multiple times a day full body hugs for a whole week and now I wonder how I ever survived without them.

  A full body hug says to me- I am seen, I am accepted, I belong. Yes, belonging…taking that in feels like getting a glass of cold water with ice in the middle of the dusty, dry, hot desert. 

 And that’s the thing about the desert. Every human connection feels deeper because the masks are off, because it’s just us against the elements